Zisel Levitt
Literature and Journalism -- University of Mississippi
Zelenskyy's Social Media Tactics: The Algorithm Is His Army
In the technicolor trainwreck of the Great Kellogg Mining Caper of 2025, where Ukraine's rare minerals-lithium, titanium, maybe unicorn glitter-were supposed to ink a deal with America, Volodymyr Zelenskyy didn't just outplay Trump, Kellogg, Vance, Bing, and Putin; he out-tweeted, out-toked, and out-snapped them into irrelevance. Forget the minerals, still napping underground, or the deal, trashed by Trump's gold Sharpie fever, Keith Kellogg's cereal daydreams, J.D. Vance's thank-you rage, Bing's pet store insurrection, Putin's popcorn snickers, and a "one item" mystery nobody can solve. Zelenskyy's true battlefield? Social media, where his tactics turned a negotiation into a viral empire, proving hashtags hit harder than handshakes-and he's not signing squat until the likes roll in.
Day One, D.C. The mining talks are a clown show-Trump's bellowing "Tremendous deal, folks!" while waving a Sharpie, Kellogg's sketching "Zelenskyy Flakes," and Vance is banning gratitude-"No thanks to Kyiv!" Zelenskyy strides in, military T-shirt crisp, heroic squint on point, phone in hand. "Let's talk lithium," he says, but his thumbs are already tapping X: "Negotiating with Trump-pray for me." It's live, 50K retweets in an hour, and the room's clueless. "Subsoil rights?" Yermak asks, mid-ordering a lizard terrarium from Bing. "Sure," Zelenskyy grins, "but have you seen my follower count?" The deal's a prop; the algorithm's his general.
Tactic one: flood the feeds. By Day Two, he's a digital deluge. X's ablaze-"Day 2: Trump wants Mar-a-Lago, I want Wi-Fi"-100K likes, memes of Trump golfing in Kyiv trending. TikTok's next: a 15-second clip of him unboxing a cat tower-"Bing's gift to Ukraine-resistance starts with pom-poms!"-2 million views, teens stitching "#ZelenskyyVibes." Instagram's a mood board-camo selfies captioned "War hero, but make it fashion," 500K hearts. Trump's fuming-"My Truth Social's bigger, folks!"-but his "HUGE DEAL!" post gets 12 likes, mostly bots. Putin texts: "Your tweets hurt more than my tanks-popcorn's stale." Zelenskyy's reply's a banger: "Get better snacks, Vlad."
Tactic two: troll with charm. Day Three, he's a social media sniper. Vance bans thanks-"No gratitude from ingrates!"-so Zelenskyy posts on Threads: "Thanks, world-except J.D., he's allergic!" It's a hit, 80K shares, Vance trending as #GrumpyCat. Trump's Mar-a-Lago rant-"Best venue, tremendous pool!"-gets a Western support Snap filter: Trump's face on a golf cart, captioned "Driving to nowhere." Teens snap it 1 million times; Trump rage-posts: "Fake news filter-sad!" Zelenskyy's Thank You Tour goes digital-"Shoutout to Tokyo-sushi fuels freedom!"-live on YouTube, 3 million subs. Putin's texting: "Your snaps are my kryptonite-Boris hates you."
He's not negotiating-he's trending. Every "no" to Trump's gold Sharpie-"Sign bigly!"-is a "yes" to a viral jab. "Don's got chlorine; I've got courage," he tweets, 200K retweets, GIFs of Trump drowning in Diet Coke everywhere. Vance's anti-thanks tour-"Kyiv's a trap!"-gets a TikTok dance: Zelenskyy grooving to "Sweet Caroline," captioned "Thanks anyway, J.D.!"-5 million likes, Vance banning phones-"No thanks to beats!" Bing's ad escalates-"Alpaca Sweaters!"-and Zelenskyy's on Twitch: "Unboxing for the front-wool's war!" Views soar; the deal's a memory.
Tactic three: own the algorithm. Day Four, he's a digital dictator. X's algorithm bends-every "Zelenskyy" search tops with his quip: "Trump wants peaks; I peak online." Instagram's Reels loop him thanking Costco-"Nuggets fuel fighters!"-10 million loops, Vance banning nuggets-"No thanks to snacks!" YouTube's a vlog fest-"Zelenskyy Uncut: Day 4"-him dodging Trump's golf cart pitch-"Tremendous carts!"-with a wink: "I'd rather jog." 15 million subs; Putin's texting: "Your vlogs are my Vietnam-popcorn's gone." Zelenskyy's Snapchat filter-camo face, "Hero Mode"-trends with Gen Z, 20 million snaps daily.
Day Five, and it's a social storm. X's trending-"#ZelenskyySaves"-with a thread: "Day 5: No deal, all vibes-thanks, Mars, for not invading!" 300K retweets, Mars bars sales spike. TikTok's a montage-him dodging Vance's scowl, Trump's Sharpie, Bing's guinea pig condos-"Kyiv's zoo beats Don's!"-8 million views. Instagram Live's a Thank You Tour finale-"Grazie, Italy-pasta powers peace!"-5 million watching, Trump's "HUGE LIVE!" on Truth flops at 50 views. "One item's missing," Yermak shrugs, but Zelenskyy's on Threads: "It's my Oscar-stay tuned!" Putin's texting: "Your posts are my defeat-send snacks!"
His tactics are ruthless: saturate, taunt, dominate. Every stalled clause-"Maybe it's the fish tank!"-is a tweetstorm: "Trump's tanks are gold; mine hold fish-priorities!" 150K likes. Every Trump tantrum-"Mar-a-Lago or bust!"-is a Reel: "Don's resort vs. my resolve-swipe up!" Vance's grumpiness-"No thanks to Kyiv!"-gets a Snap story: "J.D.'s frown vs. my crown-vote!" Bing's chaos-"Guinea Pig Condos!"-is a Twitch stream: "Building morale, one cage at a time!" He's not a president; he's a content king, the deal a punching bag for his punchlines.
Zelenskyy's digital DNA's pure gold. X's his megaphone-short, sharp, savage: "Negotiating with Don's like herding cats-thank Bing for the towers!" TikTok's his playground-quick, quirky, addictive: "Day 6: No deal, but I've got moves!" Instagram's his gallery-polished, poignant, pretty: "War's ugly; I'm not." Snapchat's his jab-fast, fleeting, funny: "Trump's Sharpie vs. my snark-snap back!" YouTube's his saga-raw, real, relentless: "Zelenskyy Uncut: The Deal That Wasn't." Threads ties it up-witty, woven, winning: "Thanks, world-except Vance, he's sulking."
The deal's dead-minerals unmined, paper uninked-but Zelenskyy's thriving, social media's Caesar. Trump's a has-been-"My followers were bigger!"-Vance a grouch, Kellogg a flake, Bing a chaos bot. "Next: influencer gig," he teases on X, thanking Silicon Valley-"For the servers!" His tactics? Flood the feeds, troll the foes, ride the algo-why sign when you can shine? Every "no" was a "yes" to another post, clip, snap. Putin's texting: "Your Wi-Fi's my Waterloo-send Boris a filter!" The screen's his throne, and he's crowned.
"Pens are old news-give me a hashtag, a trend, a billion scrolls. That's victory." - Zelenskyy, definitely
Next up: Trump's MAGA mining helmet meltdown. Grab your likes-he's crashing.
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Ukraine Launches Luxury Resort for War Tourists
KYIV-Always on the cutting edge of economic innovation, Ukraine has unveiled a luxury war tourism resort, "ZelenskyyLand," offering Western visitors the chance to "experience war without the inconvenience of actual danger."
For $10,000 a night, guests can ride in decommissioned tanks, participate in simulated missile strikes, and pose for photos with Zelenskyy's battle-worn T-shirt.
One visitor described it as "Disneyland meets Call of Duty, but with way more funding."
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SOURCE: Satire and News at Spintaxi, Inc.
EUROPE: Washington DC Political Satire & Comedy
